Will anyone win the Big Ten this year?

Ah the Big Ten. Is it as bad as people think? Well, yes. After this past week, I think we determined that the Big Ten is dreadful. But hey, at least they will put a team in the Rose Bowl, right? Right? After three weeks, I think I’m pretty much ready to assess the state of the Big Ten, who the pretenders and contenders are. Since I like ranking things, I will do the very same right now.

1. Ohio State: The Buckeyes are the boring pick, of course, but the Big Ten is a boring conference this year. They lost their quarterback, and even though he won the Heisman last year, it’s hard to say that they really and truly lost a whole lot. They are a running, defensive team. Kind of like the Vikings, but executed well.

2. Penn State: I get the impression that the Nittany Lions and their faithful always have a good perspective on their season. If they’re 9-2, then great, 9-2! Never mind that they may have lost to Minnesota and Bowling Green, its still a good season. Frankly, any season that Joe Paterno doesn’t have “old person” problems on the sideline should be a good season, but PSU should do pretty well this year.

3. Purdue: That is a scary offense isn’t it? 300 yards against Central Michigan. IN THE FIRST QUARTER! Out of control my friends. Oh, and Dorien Bryant, who sounds like a he should be in the new Terminator movie, is the best thing to happen in my life since I discovered Chips Ahoy! chewy. Every other team in the Big Ten seems fairly impotent offensively, and while the Boilers may not have a good defense, they should be able to out shoot most of their opponents this year and earn an unlikely berth in the Capital One Bowl (if Penn State makes the BCS). And anyone that linked over from Deadspin, I should probably tell you. I went to Purdue, so I make comments on the women because I know the women. Besides, the women that are attractive can get kind of stabby.

4. Wisconsin: Teams have little hiccups like the Badgers did against The Citadel. It happens. Their defense will certainly come around, as they have too many upperclassmen for that to be a concern. And they did smoke Washington State. Yeah, Wisconsin is going to be fine, as much as I don’t want that to be the case

5. Illinois: In case you weren’t watching early in the day, Lou Holtz thinks that Illinois could be a sleeper team in the Big Ten. I’m not so sure. They are still rocking a sophomore QB in Juice “Don’t Call me O.J.” Williams, and they wear entirely too much orange for me to take them seriously. Even so, they’ll meander into some bowl or antoher this year, and their road win against Syracuse makes me confident in that.

6. Michigan State: If the Spartans had beat their mediocre Big East opponent on the road, I might have different opinions about Michigan State. I really haven’t seen them do much of anything yet this year, so it’s tough to truly opine on them, but they also lose points for having a new coach and generally being forgotten in the Big Ten every year.

7. Michigan: Bwaaaahahahahahahhahah! Michigan is TERRIBLE! Ha! Well, their defense is brutal and their offense is injured. Everyone delight in how BAD the Wolverines are.

8. Iowa: Before I moved, I got Weird Iowa Channel, which would show old University of Iowa sporting events, Iowa High School sports and a show called “Cy-Hawk Talk” which featured a couple of guys talking about their respective schools. It wasn’t bad. They had a guy that looked like Will Ferrell, and another guy who said that the Cyclones would beat the Hawkeyes. Low and behold. A sure sign that the Hawkeyes may not be so good this year.

9. Indiana: Indiana could very well pull off a few upsets this year. They’ve played better than they usually do this year, and are certainly playing for the memory of their former coach, Terry Hoeppner who passed away during the offseason. They might be able to find three wins over the course of the rest of the season to add to the three they already have and get invited to a bowl game. Wouldn’t that be a nice, feel good story in which the cameras would spend way too much time focused on the student body? I think so.

10: Northwestern: Yeah, Wildcats? Duke is good at basketball, not so much at football. You can’t talk yourself up after losing last week. They did beat Nevada though, so good for them!

11: Minnesota: The Gophers could very well be among the top half of teams in the Sun Belt. Maybe. Tim Brewster inherited a pretty awful squad from Glen Mason, but at least Mason was able to get some effort out of these guys. Just a bad team.

Of course, my Big Ten rankings mean nothing. I just like ranking things. It would make more sense if I had the Big Ten Network, I’m sure.