Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished guests, my dearest and most distant friends alike: I do not drop bombs on people. I do not blow people up, as an aspiring writer or as a person. My qualms are left private. It is not what I do. But today, I am going to make an exception. Today, I’m going to unleash one of the few bunker busters in my limited arsenal on someone so deserving of the reward that I am surprised I have kept myself from doing it sooner.
This person in all their middle-aged, dim-witted, sarcastic, dumb-eyed, short-tempered glory is the one and only, the classless, uncouth, impatient domain of douchieness, Mike Schopp.
I’d rather listen to a gnat fart. Seriously.
This guy has tortured our ear drums and radio sets for more than a decade with mindless cynicism and pedantic drivel disguised as “intelligent sports talk”, God help us.
Now being a complete and total moron on the radio is not a unique thing. Perhaps it’s not even uncommon. You don’t have to look any farther than WGR’s syndicated ESPN shows to get a taste of that.
But Schopp has made it personal, with each and every Buffalo Sports fan who has dared to listen, with each one, in fact, who has wanted to participate on even the most marginal level in the Buffalo Sports community. He has taken it as his obligation to set ablaze and stamp out any opinion or thought or proposal that does not immediately fall in line with his worldview — and what a worldview it is — in effect declaring war on any opposing discussion or viewpoint for the sake of his own laziness. This is a guy, let’s not forget, who measures the value of food based on how difficult it would be to prepare it — not taste or quality or external benefit. No, this is a guy who has readily admitted that he determines the structure of his life based on what allows him to be the most mentallyy and physically lazy.
This is a guy who has established “rules” by which callers to his radio program are allowed to discuss things, who then frequently breaks those rules, rambles and rants and raves about the quality of discourse of which he, himself is the primary plague.
Like a small-town Dick Cheney with significantly less income at his disposal, Schopp makes an often irrational statement glazed in straw-men, intellectual dishonesty and other sh%t born maelstroms, and blitzes detractor’s preemptively : you can’t say this-or-that in response, don’tchaknow, because that would mean you’re either too young, uneducated, out of touch or morally deficient to actually know what you’re talking about. It’s not that “talk radio” actually involves, Jesus, “talk” — no sir, people don’t ever disagree about matters like sports — it’s that if someone is not in total agreement with him there is something vitally deficient in their character. They’re an idiot, a Contrarian, or worse.
You know how all those politicians who want to stomp out homosexuality end up getting caught in gas station bathrooms with male hookers, how all the ones who want to tax the rich and not the poor have 8 figure salaries and use the justice system to evade existing tax law? Mike Schopp is the idiot. Mike Schopp is the Contrarian. He’s at war with himself, he just hasn’t realized it yet.
And no: I am not particularly inclined to call the various sideshow acts that Schopp and Chris Parker dole out, entertaining nor original. Besides the fact that 50% of them were blatantly stolen from ESPN’s Boston affiliate, years after the fact, I don’t actually think that human-beings who are paid to talk about sports should be receiving an income to complete such childish tasks as “Match Game” (which involves filling in the blank in a ridiculous sentence), or ranking things. And the drafts, oh, how could we ever live without knowing whether or not the two have a greater affinity for strip steaks than tacos. The horror.
My favorite part, though, is the occasional self-pity from Schopp and Parker about the difficulty of having to discuss the Buffalo Bills every season. Woe is you: You talk about sports (occasionally) and other random nonsense that only you care about (routinely) for a living. Let me clarify that a little bit for you — you receive currency to move your mouth in some of the most ineffectual, luxurious ways possible. The entirety of your career, my knowledge of your existence, and my annoyance are to discuss recreations! So let’s remember that, considering the line to replace you would wrap around Ralph Wilson stadium 27,000 times, I’m not particularly concerned with if you’re feeling blue about having to have the same old conversation sometimes. It’s your job. Do it.
About half a year ago, a local focused, slickly disguised as “independent” radio station, WECK Buffalo, declared a “war” on WGR sports radio because of nonsense like these guys. Because of nonsense like the rampant commercialism and a poor and insufficient product. The “war” was lost. It barely got off the ground, in fact. But that sense of spirit, that empty feeling associating with having no alternative to Mike Schopp in your drive-time has never been more pressing than now.
Most intellectual discussion for Buffalo Sports fans has long since left the radio airwaves and retreated to the many blogs and sports web-sites that now host the most passionate and knowledgeable of fans. But never have we been united enough to truly sway the Buffalo sports world until this past summer. Through the fantastic efforts of many bloggers, forum posters and general Buffalo Sports fans, places like this — like Buffalo Wins, Die By the Blade, Dear God Why Us, and others are the places to be on your Tuesday afternoons. The podcasts, the posts, the lively message board discussions. These are the things that truly define the Buffalo Sports experience.
It’s sad to me that a city that’s mood is so immediately and obviously impacted by their professional sports teams has been reduced to creating it’s own content, it’s own resources, it’s own locations for adult discussion. It is sad to me, that Buffalo Sports Radio has allowed people like Mike Schopp to have such sway.
And why? Well, ratings. Look: There are certainly no shortage of individuals who tune in to WGR radio, and I’m sure a great deal of them think that Schopp is the man. But a great deal of people only listen because it is the only fleeting opportunity they have to hear Buffalo sports talk in a weekday afternoon. This is not, in other words, an “if you don’t like it, change the channel” situation. There are no other channels. And men, by nature, do things because they are supposed to do them. I mow the lawn because I am supposed to. I lift the heavy stuff. I hold open the door, handle the solicitors. I like steak and beer. I listen to sports talk. Because there is something in me, the way that I was brought up maybe, that causes me to have the insatiable desire to talk about sports and hear other people talk about it. To think about it throughout the course of my day. And there are just no other channels.
But now, the internet is that other channel. And the picture is getting clearer and clearer by the day.
Mike Schopp is at odds with anyone who can form a complete sentence, or so it seems, and appeals only to the lowest common denominator. Here, on the internet, we embody the family spirit that Buffalo is all about. If you think Michael Jasper should be the Quarterback in an option offense, well, that’s an eccentric opinion, but you’re entitled to it and let’s talk it out to see what you’re thinking. Like family, we have our spats, but always get over them, like family, in the end, we stick together. The Buffalo Sports community is family, a great and enduring cast of different characters. And Mr. Schopp, you’re not invited for Christmas. In fact, don’t even expect a card.
Twitter: @matthew1stewart
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
