LOSER DOMI: Thank you for coming in, John, if I can cal you John.
JOHN TAVARES: Oh, it’s, uh…no problem. No problem at all.
LD: Are you sure? You’re looking a little bit flushed.
TAVARES: Oh, that’s nothing. It’s just that, uh…that’s from the season, you know, and how much work and effort has to go into every game. You have to give 110% every game, and, uh, work every game one shift at a time and stuff.
LD: OK, that makes sense. What are your thoughts as your first NHL season comes to a close?
TAVARES: I think it’s been a good season, and, uh, I’ve been contributing offensively to the team? And the Islanders have a good chance at good drafting and, uh, they are an organization that’s looking toward the future? And, uh, we didn’t have the best year this year, but we have some definite promise and we’re going in a good direction.
LD: Do you have any special plans for the offseason?
TAVARES: I think I’m going to work on my scoring and, uh, spend some time on the bike. You know, like usual.
(RICK DiPIETRO enters)
RICK DiPIETRO: Good news, Johnny, the eyebrow waxing didn’t take as long as I thought, so I’m back early and—OH HOLY CRAP! YOU’RE TALKING TO AN ACTUAL GIRL!
TAVARES: Yes, Ricky, I’m aware she’s a girl and I am talking to her.
LD: Is that why you’re so flushed right now? And Mr. DiPietro, why are you here?
DiPIETRO: First off, you can call me Ricky. Second, I get to play chauffeur sometimes on account of how Johnny Boy doesn’t have his license.
LD: Is that true, John? Because…I don’t have my license either.
TAVARES: Really? I thought I was the only one!
DiPIETRO: Ho-lee crap! I think I owe Okposo some money now. Look at you, Johnny, all talking to girls all by himself like a big boy.
TAVARES: You see, Loser…I mean, uh, um, M-Miss Domi…thing is, uh, I’ve never actually talked to a girl before that wasn’t my mom or someone like that.
LD: Riiiight…
DiPIETRO: Man, Johnny here’s just about the best wingman ever. Not like I need the help, because the crutches usually do that for me. Girls are always like (assumes feminine voice) “OmiGOD, Ricky, are you OK? You poor thing!” and they hold doors and stuff for me.
TAVARES: Ricky keeps trying to give me advice on girls, but somehow, I’m not certain of the effectiveness.
DiPIETRO: Oh, you mean like the time you threw up on a girl at that one place because you were too scared to talk to her?
TAVARES: You said you wouldn’t talk about that anymore!
LD: Guys, Guys! Seriously…
DiPIETRO: Hey, wait a minute, lady…I’m putting two and two together here. Weren’t you the one who said you and Johnny were getting married and you were quitting blogging?
TAVARES: …Really? She said that? I guess it IS a bit sudden, but…
LD: Guys, that was for April Fool’s Day. It was just a joke.
TAVARES: …
TAVARES: (tears up a little) Jokes start with “knock knock” or “what do you call a?” Maybe “What do you get when” is ok, too…WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? (suddenly leaves, pretending he’s not crying while actually sobbing.)
LD: Well, that was weird. Gah, I feel awful.
DiPIETRO: Say, LD, now that John’s all choked up and incapacitated, you wanna get a drink or something like that?
LD: Are you sure we should? He seems pretty devastated.
DiPIETRO: Nah, he’s ok. And I know when things are OK. (sounds of DiPIETRO’s groin snapping and/or his knees shattering.) NOT AGAIN!
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