Compiling a Briefcase of Hate for your 2010 Opponents – Detroit Lions

The time is quickly approaching where the temperature will drop, your family time will be forgotten, and the dogs can stay inside all day Sunday. Yes, football is a mere (insert countdown clock here) days away! With the season fast approaching it is time to begin previewing the Minnesota Vikings 2010 opponents and assist fans in preparing their unnecessary venom, angst, ridicule, sarcastic and inappropriate comments, and terribly misguided ideas about the opposing team and their fans in a feature we are calling Compiling a Briefcase of Hate for your 2010 Opponents. Today, we look at NFC North step child, the Detroit Lions … Opponent: Do you hear that? It is the distant growl of a baby lion that has had it’s tail stepped on too many times. It is the silent fuming of a younger brother that has been told he should poop his pants because it’s cool before his older brother laughed at him and pushed him in the mud. It’s the sound of fat high school girls across the country who silently weep into their Twilight Edward pillows every night as the pretty and popular blond cheerleaders with the huge rack and pleather pants get all of the attention from the hormone raging male peers. Wait … No, it’s actually the Detroit Lions, a football team that has been the doormat of the NFC North since … *checks history books* … My god, 1993? That was the last time they’ve won the division. Holy Christ that is terrible. What’s wrong with you people over there?? Well, those sounds you hear from this Lions team are still whimpers, and not full blown adult growls yet, and I don’t anticipate that to change this year. But … MAYBE SOON! Next Seen: The Lions will be the Vikings third opponent of the 2010 season, making their annual appearance in Zygi’s Hood on September 26, 2010. Go buy tickets! It may be the only game the Vikings win all year! Haha, just kidding. There’s a good chance they may crap the bed against Detroit again early in 2010. Why? Well, because the best indicator of future performance is to look at past performance … Last Seen: If you remember from the 2009 season, the Detroit Lions didn’t exactly roll over for the Vikings like Fire Crotch is doing in her jail cell. In fact, most fans will remember the first meeting between the Lions and the Vikings as the second game of the season at Ford Field, where the Lions took a 10-7 lead into half time, and it almost should have been 10-0. Even though the Vikings won, that sure felt like a moral loss to THIS guy! Later in the season the Vikings only found themselves up on the Lions by three at half again. Perhaps worst of all though was during the Lions’ 0-16 season when the Vikings continued to struggle against the Kitties, winning the first game of the season only by the grace of Dan Orlovsky’s misguided feet and a phantom pass interference call late in the game to put the Vikings in field goal position. Bear in mind this was against a team that would eventually go 0-16. So although the Vikings haven’t lost a game against the Lions in like three or four season I think, the fact that they haven’t really stomped the mane off of them is just as embarrassing. AND WE SHOULD BE APPALLED! I Strongly Dislike …: Now, don’t get me wrong here, there are several players I have found to scowl at and who deserve some good old fashioned black hearted and blind angst, but I will make my point here that this team? … Kind of want. I like Jim Schwartz as a head coach, even though his head coaching record is 2-30 in two years. I will also admit that I have Ndamukong Suh’s autograph at home, have always liked Kyle Vanden Bosch, think Calvin Johnson is just shy of Zues on Godliness, and thoroughly enjoy their stable of running backs. With that being said though, the Lions apparently have decided to balance out their roster with a bunch of other cock grabbers that really tend to negate all of the good will they’ve accumulated with these other players. Those individuals are: – Matthew Stafford – Well, if those tatas in the picture above aren’t reason enough to hate him, then the fact that he was a pretty poor college quarterback who looks like another stupid frat boy that probably barfed on your face at a party once and just can’t shake his baby fat should be enough for you to turn on young Stafford. He’s a douches douche! Also, he’s young, rich, and bagging some serious Pooty Tang. On the other hand, he does live in Detroit, so you are still better than him. However, with all of this being said, I would give a hand job to George Michael in order to have Stafford as my franchise quarterback. Of course, I would maybe just do that for fun, but whatever.  – Gosder Cherilus – Let’s all be honest, if it wasn’t for Gosder’s cheap shotting of Jan’s knee during a Lions/Vikings game no one would know who the fuck this guy was, and that includes his other teammates. And before any Packer fans come on here and period blood all over the place about how ironic it is I’m complaining about Gosder when is soooo notorious for hitting QBs knees, I would like to present you with this picture that has clearly not been photoshopped and let you know that your argument is invalid. So yes, you can hate Gosder, and if for nothing else than because that name makes me think of geese. – Nate Burleson – GUH. Let’s make this quick. Nate Burleson is more overrated than and CSI show could ever be. He had one good season as a Viking and he has somehow parlayed that into huge contracts with the Seahawks and now the Lions. Also, he’s tried to market himself as an athlete by personalizing stupid shit and is prone to making up nicknames for himself. God, I fucking HATE people that do that. And now, you too, can hate Nate Burleson. More than before, I mean. – Julian Peterson – I’m not exactly sure why, but I’ve always disliked Julian Peterson for some reason. I think it’s partially because I always think he’s like 37, and then I look at his wiki page and realize he’s only 32. Actually, his birthday was yesterday! Hurray! Want you’re present? It’s a briefcase of hate! Also, I don’t trust a guy named Julian
. And Another Thing About Detroit: Go fuck yourself Detroit Tigers too. Jim Leyland would totally be awesome if he coached the Twins, but as it stands I think he’s just a crusty old cooter who needs to retire and get throat cancer. ….. OK, I don’t really mean that. But fuck you Magglio Ordonez, Verlander, and all the other a-holes on that team. They suck. Also, fuck Rich Rod and the University of Michigan, and fuck the Pistons as well. YOU RUINED DARKO MILICIC’S LIFE! I mean, not that it matters. Also, your cars suck. So that’s another reason to dislike you. This is How You’ll Get Your A Beat: Do we need more reasons than we’re playing the Lions in the third game of the season at the Metrodome? Listen, I think the Lions are looking better than they have in literally decades, but this doesn’t change the fact that they still aren’t a great football team, and, if all things go according to plan, the Vikings really SHOULD be a great football team. And the Lions’ pass defense is terrible. So we’ll just throw the ball on them. I do think the defensive line will be much improved for them, and what they are doing kind of reminds me of what the Vikings did when Childress arrived, by building from the trenches out. They have a good start here, but they need to keep building. Also, third game of the season? Stafford will still be too sun stroked from the summer to have his head on right in facing an NFL defense. I’d say this is in the bag. The Most Attractive Thing in Michigan: Has got to be whatever tail Stafford brought with him. Seriously. I looked LONG and HARD on the internet and couldn’t find a thing. I mean, we could Facebook stalk some Michigan or Michigan State girls and play them off as attractive potential Lions fans, but really. We’re talking about the Lions here, and so this is the best I can do. YOU’LL TAKE IT AND LIKE IT. Just like her? And I’m done.