4. Colorado Avalanche at Boston Bruins. Are They Trying Yet?

Set to the tune of 1492.

In the year fourteen of zero plus two,
The Bruins started one and two.
They were just slapped down in Washington,
And the stench of losing followed them.
They lost by day, they lost by night,
Tuukka was burnt from the red goal light.
They had no way to score a goal,
For David Krejci hurt his soul.
He wasn’t able to dish the puck,
And no one else could give a fuck.
Game after game Tuukka tried to bail,
Those Bruins out but to no avail.
Luckily for them they face the Avs,
Who could not score a goal if you gave them a chance.
No Iggy or Gabe or even Duchene,
Could put the puck in the net to their disdain.
So tonight will end and we will all pout,
Because it will all end in a fucking shootout.

If someone asked me to write a quick review of how the Bruins have played in the last three games and gave me a week deadline to do so, I would take 6 days, 23 hours and 58 minutes to watch barnyard porn and Batman cartoons before submitting this:

The Bruins have been absolute shit and it all culminated in a an incredibly embarrassing loss at the hands of Captain Cavemen and his merry bunch in Washington. The Bruins were beaten so badly that I had dialed the first six numbers for the Department of Children and Families and debated pressing number 7 when the game ended, but instead I threw my cell phone to the ground like my name was Milan Lucic and my cell phone was effort.

This brings up a problem I’m already seeing among the numerous people I follow in social media telling me to relax because it is only game 3 of an 82 game season and game 3 doesn’t mean anything.

It doesn’t?

If the team was 3-0 or 2-1 would you be sitting there draped in your black and gold blanket and wearing your Winter Classic poof ball hat saying “Well ya know chaps, it is only game 3 so we shouldn’t be so high on this team yet?”

No.

You’d be swinging from a chandelier singing “We Are The President’s Trophy Champions” and anointing Peter Chiarelli as the greatest General Manager who has ever lived because he somehow avoided a cap issue and the team is a Japanese Bullet Train pulling into “Winner’s Station”.

But here we are. We’re watching this team put forth an “effort” like we saw in Detroit and like we saw in Washington and wondering what the fuck is going on in Boston.

“Oh but Pez, it is only game 3!” You say again before I smash a vodka bottle across your face with a smile that would strike fear into the heart of Charles Manson. I don’t give a shit if it is game 3. A win is a win and a loss is a loss. This isn’t the preseason. This shit matters. 2 points from game 2 is just as important as 2 point from game 82 and the only reason they’re weighted differently in your eyes is because in game 2 no one is fighting for a playoff spot.

Wake the fuck up. This team has more holes than a 3 cunted hooker. Milan Lucic looks like he could give two shits about playing hockey but lets not forget this guy is one of the highest paid players on the team. Instead of people getting on him for looking like a turtle covered in molasses and then sealed in concrete I am wrapped about the head with “Well he’s injured!” and “Well he always starts a season slow!”

Wonderful.

I am glad that the Bruins pay this guy a lot of money to start a season slow. You know what a wrist injury doesn’t hurt? Effort. Skating. Moving. Lucic has looked terrible this season. I don’t care if it is Game 3 or if David Krejci is hurt. Milan Lucic is a leader! Milan Lucic is the prototypical power forward! If he’s as good as you all say he is isn’t he supposed to elevate the play of those around him? Instead he look like a big, lazy plug.

So today the Bruins – a team that used the speed so much in the offseason you would have thought Jeremy Jacobs bought is own fucking NASCAR team – will take their non-speedy team and go up against a very quick team in Colorado.

And who makes his return to the Garden this afternoon?

My sweet, sweet Chocobear. I still love you Jarome Iginla.

I’m sorry to deviate from my Bruins bashing.

It isn’t just Milan Lucic. The Bruins are still without a legit right wing player for the Krejci line. After hearing how much Loui Eriksson will fill that spot – it looks like Eriksson and Soderberg are here to stay which isn’t a bad thing, but it makes no sense that for the whole summer we’ve been told that Eriksson is going to be the guy and now…well…Gagne?

And the defense is a disaster. The Bruins traded Johnny Boychuk because of ~~cap mismanagement~~ reasons and replaced him with Adam McQuaid.

Yeah.

Sorry if the ramblings of a pissed off Bruins fan have irritated you – at least you didn’t spend 3 hours reading it and then come away with a wasted afternoon.

Projected Lines

Milan Lucic – David Krejci – Matt Fraser
Brad Marchand – Patrice Bergeron – Reilly Smith
Chris Kelly – Carl Soderberg – Loui Eriksson
Bobby Robins – Ryan Spooner – Dan Paille

Zdeno Chara – Dougie Hamilton
Dennis Seidenberg – Adam McQuaid
Torey Krug – Kevan Miller

Niklas Svedberg

Media

Puck Drop: 1pm EST
TV: NESN
Radio: 98.5 The Sports Hub

STREAMS: HERE

Know The Enemy