I was going to do an article about overrated and underrated players, but, well, then I went and got a better idea: the Devil’s Baseball Dictionary.
Some of you are wondering what I’m talking about.
I will explain:
In 1906, author/journalist Ambrose Bierce released a book called The Devil’s Dictionary, a satirical and irreverent take on dictionaries with such witty but cruel and now (and perhaps even then) horribly politicially-incorrect definitions of things, ranging from the political (A conservative, according to Bierce, is “A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.”) to the sciences (The ocean, per Bierce: “A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.”) and everything in between.
So now, I give you a few excerpts from the Devil’s Baseball Dictionary and, by the way, most of these are tongue-in-cheek:
Also, apologies to Jonah Keri, who once did something similar over at Grantland.
1994: Something that, like the Cuban Missile Crisis and Jar Jar Binks, serves as a warning to all future generations about the fragility of human civilization.
42: Jackie Robinson, Mariano Rivera, and the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything.
AAA: Both a showcase and a parking lot for talent.
Ace: Your team’s best pitcher. Unless he’s getting shelled. If that’s the case, then he’s a bum.
All-Star Game: Harmless fun that the league takes too seriously, players don’t take seriously enough, but which provokes serious arguments.
Balk: Bob Davidson’s favorite word.
Bartolo: Simultaneously the best argument for and the best argument against the use of the Designated Hitter.
Baseball: The cause of and solution to all of our problems.
Batman: He is Vengeance. He is the Night. Also, a far lesser-used synonym for hitter.
Beer: Liquid that is the cause of many a stands-based hilarious and/or sad YouTube clip or Vine.
Bench-Clearing: A mass gathering of players and coaches over a disagreement in which no punches are thrown.
Brawl: A mass gathering of players and coach over a disagreement in which punches are thrown and people are shoved, and yet nobody ever seems to get hurt, except for when they are. Also an excellent video game for the Nintendo Wii.
Bullpen: A group of oddballs that must be quarantined from the rest of the team for the safety of all involved.
Bunting: Decoration often hung on Opening Day, the 4th of July, All-Star Games, and the Postseason. Also a favorite tactic of Ned Yost.
Casual fan: Anybody who doesn’t follow baseball as much as you do. They are the cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Catcher: Both the smartest and most ignorant man on the field at any given moment.
Closer: A guy being paid several times more than the rookie fifth starter who just threw six shutout innings or the veteran set-up guys who just did the same thing the closer is about to do only earlier in the game.
Curse: Any supernatural excuse for decades of mismanagement and/or bad luck.
Designated Hitter: The cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Dinger: The best name for a home run.
Disrespectful: Any showing of emotion by the opposing team.
Doctor James Andrews: The name you see before saying “Oh, crap.”
Dying: Baseball’s perpetual state since about 1846.
ESPN: A sports channel that talks about baseball when Roger Goodell and LeBron James give it permission to do so.
Extra Innings: The baseball version of Stockholm Syndrome.
Face of Baseball: The lack of or presence of this is the cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Giancarlo: Individual who hits many long dingers.
Hall of Fame: Baseball’s love of arguing and baseball’s love of history, given physical form.
Harper, Bryce: An individual who apparently became so overrated that he broke the scale, became underrated, and now is simply rated. Also, the cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Homer (announcer): Hawk Harrelson.
Home Run Derby: The best event in baseball (dingers), only done for so long of a time that by the final round you have somehow become sick of dingers.
Ichiro: A man so awesome only his first name is required.
Jinx: A mild version of a curse, usually over a much shorter amount of time and only validated in hindsight.
K: Letter standing in for strikeout. The dramatic increase in these over the year is the cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Left-Handed Pitcher: A man who never has to collect unemployment for very long.
Manager: The cause of and/or solution to all of your team’s problems.
Moneyball: See “Sabermetrics”.
No-Hitter: Something you probably shouldn’t talk about, unless you want to.
Overrated: The best player on your least favorite team.
Pace: The cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Pedro: Common Spanish-language name, equivalent to the English “Peter”. Way more badass than the name Peter, though. I mean, seriously, can you imagine if Pedro Martinez was just called “Peter Martin”? Yeesh.
Perfect Game: Something you definitely shouldn’t talk about, unless you want to.
Pitch-counts: The cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Prospect: Future star and/or guy who you totally wish your team would trade for some goddamn pitching. Pitching prospect? There is no such thing.
Rain: The only argument for domed stadiums.
Replay: The ability to fix mistakes, but not the mistake of having Joe West, Angel Hernandez and C.B. Bucknor be MLB umpires to begin with. Also, the cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Respectful: Any showing of emotion by your team.
Rookie: A player who hasn’t disappointed anybody yet.
Royal: Either member of the Kansas City baseball club or, technically, the reigning monarch of the Safeco Field pitcher’s mound.
Sabermetrics: A known Ruben Amaro Jr. allergy. Also, the cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Seamheads: The baseball version of Trekkies, only even nerdier. Also, the cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Set-Up Man: A man who does the same work as a closer, only an inning earlier and for way less money.
Shift: The movement of fielders as a dare to hitters to lay down a bunt. Few do. Also, the cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Stadiums: The worst waste of taxpayer money, except for when you are in one, in which case they are the best waste of taxpayer money.
Steroids: The cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Trout: Species of freshwater fish that has emerged from Millville, New Jersey to save us all with his inhumanly great baseball skills. No pressure, kid.
Umpire: A man who is a fine and fair arbiter when with you, a blind and biased prick if against you.
Underrated: The worst player on your favorite team that you do not actively hate.
Unwritten Rules: The cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Vin Scully: America’s grandfather, who is way cooler and entertaining than most (if not all) actual grandparents.
Walk-Off: A game-ending event that rarely involves an actual walk.
WAR: Good for summing up a player’s overall contribution to a team.
War: Good for absolutely nothing (say it again).
Weird Baseball: A redundant phrase.
West: Both a direction and an umpire who lacks one.
Wild Card: Probably will win the World Series.
World Baseball Classic: A great idea to show and showcase baseball’s increasing diversity and international appeal. Naturally, many Americans hate it.
Xylophone: Has no role in baseball. Seriously, what are you even doing in this dictionary, xylophone!?!
Yasiel Puig: The cause of and/or solution to all of baseball’s problems.
Zebra: Has no role in baseball, presumably snuck in with the Xylophone.
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LINKS!
Thanks to Shawn for suggesting this: Patrick Saunders on John Axford and his son Jameson, only two and a half years old, who continues to recover from a rattlesnake attack suffered this spring
Ben Lindbergh on Mike Trout’s dad, Jeff
Somebody simulated Tom Brady as a baseball player, because reasons
Brian Murphy on how newbie manager Paul Molitor is still creating those manager-umpire relationships
Phil Hecken from UniWatch on how he and everyone else was duped by those fake All-Star Game caps
SELF-PROMOTION OF THE WEEK: Bizarre Baseball Culture returns with a look at a short miniseries about the time that Daredevil villain Bullseye went undercover as a baseball player, all so that he could murder an overachieving journeyman
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As I finish this, it is just a few minutes after Shelby Miller lost his no-hitter in the bottom of the ninth. Which is a great bummer, because all that talk of free pizza made me hungry. Maybe MLB and Domino’s can change the promotion so that if they fall one out short, you can get a pizza at 1/27th of the price?
Just an idea.
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