Editor’s Note: This post is written by the Coug-A-Sutra’s real life younger brother: The Bhagwan de (Oregon State University) Beevaire. Mr. Beevaire spent his formative years in the humble town of Corvallis, Oregon. Despite attending and graduating from the University of Oregon, the Bhagwan never strayed from his strong Beaver Backing roots, and within, never stopped hating the Ducks.
In preparation for today’s epic battle for the roses, the Bhagwan de Beevaire heeded the summons of his older brother to run a bit of “Quack Smack” for the Cougar Faithful. We recommend that you read on.
Greetings Cougar Nation!
Rivalry week is the best week in college football. Not only are we privy to terrific games, but we also get to bear witness to an insurmountable amount of trash talking between rivals. So when my revered brother, the Coug-A-Sutra, decided to let me give Cougar nation a taste of some serious Civil War smack, I jumped at the opportunity. Indeed, how often do you get the opportunity to state your case to another team’s fan base that also shares a dislike not only of Oregon, but those dreaded infidels at the University of Washington. (We hate em too!)
The Ducks, however, are quickly gaining ground on those hateable Huskies, and while the following list is not all encompassing the quack will certainly find ways to expand it.
Cougar nation…
I am pleased to give you 9 reasons (why nine? Cuz the Quack ain’t worthy of a 10) why I HATE the Oregon Ducks.
1. Uniforms: If Project Runway had a football team, the Ducks would be their team. Previously, there were over 280 uniform combinations. When Oregon figured out this was ridiculously unnecessary, they changed it. This year the Ducks only have 80. The new versions are complete with feathers on the shoulder pads, integrated pro “combat” pads, and ultra light materials. To make things even lighter, they decided to take off the steel loop rings on the belt because they add to much weight. (REALLY? 5 ounces of metal is too heavy on a 220 pound athlete??) In addition, Oregon always finds a way to incorporate a color that has nothing to do with the school. This year’s color is grey which they displayed clashing heroically with green against Utah this year; a color combination I never want to see again. Previous colors included an AWFUL sparkle yellow color that almost broke my television during the bowl game against BYU.
2. University of Knight: Recession? What recession? Phil Knight, the owner of Nike, donates millions upon millions to Oregon athletics to build state of the art facilities, a law library, a new basketball stadium, and a new baseball stadium. In fact, even old buildings he didn’t even touch are named after him. Gradually, Phil is turning the university into his own personal dynasty… his own personal “Troy”?
3. The Mascots: Since Oregon can’t come up with anything original, what do they do? Ruin my childhood by stealing Donald freaking Duck. Then, when they attempt to come up with a version of their own they come up with this roided out version of a little fluffy fellow:
4. Excuses for EVERYTHING: Here are a couple of reoccurring ones: “We ran out of time”, “5th string quarterback”, “Just think if we were healthy!”, “Cheap shots”, “Rain is different”, “Refs missed calls” etc. etc. etc. It really never is your fault when you lose is it? Even Mike Bellotti had this issue.
5. Landfill Stadium: Ever wonder how they built the stadium? I will tell you: Find a ton of garbage, dig out the center, plant greenery on the exterior to make it look “presentable”, and put a big yellow toilet bowl O on the top to attract more garbage. Voila!
6. The Fans: They covet their “rudest Pac-10 fanbase” trophy. They make T-shirts for every home game and DVD’s for every victory. They fight each other for no reason and fight opposing fans because they can. Yes, Oregon fans think they are god’s gift to college football. But it only takes one loss to send these pot smoking, frisbee chucking, cheeba monkeys back to their blue tarps and shopping carts by the river.
7. The Horn: What happens when Oregon scores? A huge BLARRING horn goes off. WHY???? What does a horn have to do with ANYTHING? I would like to speak to the person who thought it would be a great idea to turn the Ducks into the Locomotives. No wonder Purdue lost in Autzen… they probably thought they were in Lafayette. Coors Light would have a field day if Oregon allowed them to advertise. Oregon State, on the other hand, has a chainsaw on third downs and fireworks after every score. Chainsaw and Beaver… see the connection? And who doesn’t like fireworks?
8. The Players: They run their mouths all summer about beating Boise State on the smurf turf and then get whipped. After they get whipped, they punch players and fans. They predict Civil War victories before the game. They are charged with reckless driving. But the topper had to be when a couple Duck players decided to stroll down to a local park to shoot DUCKS WITH A BB GUN. How can someone shoot their own mascot? Isn’t that a guaranteed ticket to hell?
9. They are CONSTANT underachievers: The facilities, the recruiting, and the coaches. You would think that Oregon would be winning championships left and right. But instead you get a team that usually finishes 2nd or 3rd in the conference and loses a few games that they shouldn’t. I mean, give Mike Riley those three things and he will bring you a championship. Of course, if you ask the fans and the players the Ducks have won 10 phantom national championships, 4 virtual Heisman trophies, would kill Florida head to head and will run the table next year.
In closing, I will leave you with this joke:
Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Northwest School, and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally, as they reached the top, the Cougar hurled himself off the mountain, shouting “This is for WSU!” as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Husky threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming “This is for U of W!”
Seeing this, the Beaver walked over and shouted “This is for everyone!,” and pushed the Duck off the side of the mountain.
Have a great offseason Cougs! GO BEAVS!
(Thanks to the WSU football blog and Cougar nation for the opportunity to expose you to the Civil War rivalry.)
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