Whatever, Vikings sign a Bunch of Dudes

I’d personally like to thank the Vikings for waiting until the last moment to sign a bunch of their rookie draft picks. This delayed signing obviously meant that the organization REALLY crunched the dollars and cents on these rookies and got the absolute best deal possible for the team. It also means that I wasn’t allowed the freedom to space these signing updates out over the course of a week, because now training camp is here and we got bigger and better shit to tackle. FOOTBALL REFERENCE!!! Anyway, some signings happened. Let’s break them down … Everson Griffen: The Magical Griffen signed, finally putting an end to anyone else caring about Ray Ray Edwards. I liked the pick originally, and I don’t really care what a fourth round guy is making. It’s good that he is signed and ready to go. A reader had this question about Griffen:

You think Everson Griffin, will refuse to carry Jn’s drunk Mankato girls home from the bar? Or his over-sized jar of mayonnaise back to his dorm after lunch? I smell controversy.

I don’t think the Mankato college ass will even make it back to the dorms. JA will pound that shit out over a dumpster somewhere, guaranteed. Also, a jar of mayo? … Maybe I’m missing something. Do athletes put their penises inside of them while at camp? Could you imagine how horrible that would smell? Or how many pubes would be in As jar? Jesus. Chris DeGeare: Originally, not a huge proponent of the DeGeare drafting. But what the hell do I know? I’ve only read that he was a bit slow in picking up the game coming out of school, but if your mother died while you were in college you’d be pretty preoccupied too, asshole. I like to envision DeGeare being a younger, somehow fatter, version of David Dixon, because I loved that fat asshole. I’m cool with the o-line depth, and with Chris being on the team. In fact, he may push Herrera for ugliest guy in camp! Joe Webb: FINALLY we have our future quarterback on the roster! And with the news of Tarvaris Jackson jerseys being on sale, you know his jump passing technique is on the outs before camp starts. Can’t teach rookies bad habits, you know! I’ll be honest, I am intrigued by Webb but I must be a retard if I really think he’ll ever take a meaningful NFL quarterback snap. So I’ll just giggle to myself quietly instead pretending like I know he’s some hidden gem, and then go cry in the shower for a bit. Before the wife gets home of course. “No, I just had something in my eye. For like three hours. Whatever.” More signings to come …