The Vikings could write a book on it this year: Let me see if I can get this name right. Ravens’ kicker and coincidentally former Viking Steve Hauschka (gesundheit) pushed his potential game winning kick to the left to secure a 33-31 Vikings win and capped off a three ringed circus atmosphere in the Metrodome again on Sunday afternoon. As most of you probably saw, read, heard or understood through Brett Favre’s kid-like interpretive dancing on the field, the game against the Ravens was quite the affair. Jumping out to a 14-0 lead early in the first, the Vikings looked like they were going to roll over their first “real test” against stiff competition in convincing fashion. But then the defense decided to stop playing like and EJ Henderson, and instead decided to put Wasswa Serwanga and Erasmus James out on the field in the fourth quarter while the Vikings breast fed a 27-10 lead. That is, of course, when shit got real. The Great Uni-Browed One and his Band of Stabbers tightened up their defense, started fisting the Vikings all over the field, and briefly grabbed on to a 31-30 lead in the fourth quarter. After the conservative (yet contract rewarding?) play calling of Coach Childress produced a potential game winning field goal for the Vikes, the Ravens still had under two minutes to drive down the field for a winning kick of their own … 
Except Steve Hauschka is my new favorite non-Viking and this week’s Purple Jesus Diaries Mushroom Stamp of Approval recipient: … Until Hauschka heard that horrible phrase, “wide left”. With two seconds left the Ravens had what looked to be a win locked up and they were ready to head home. Childress had out coached himself again by not using any of his two timeouts in order to, worse case scenario, leave some time on the clock for the Vikings to get into field goal range themselves again if needed. But no worry, Viking fans! Hauschka stepped up to the plate and guaranteed a contract extension for Childress by shanking his pressure kick worse than Tom Watson pushed his winning putt at The Open this year. If I was this Hauschka, I would do two things. First, I would change my last name to “DickFace” and secondly, I would vomit inside my helmet after I missed that kick so much that I would suffocate myself and die on the spot. What a way to go out. Keep in mind, this was the guy they just brought in to replace a pretty good kicker and long time Raven in Matt Stover, who would have assuredly made that kick and wrapped up the win tighter than my kidnap victim. Instead, the Ravens have now lost three games in a row in heart breaking fashion. I, of course, would feel terrible for them if their fans weren’t, you know, all murders and rapists. 
Which explains all the injuries as well: To my knowledge, the casualties sustained to the Vikings in this game alone were more than the casualties sustained by the North in the Civil War. Give or take, of course. They didn’t keep very proper records back then. Antoine Winfield went down early with a toe injury. Benny Sapp was out for a while with some bruised ego, I am assuming. Harvin looked like he was doing his best Tim Tebow impression after coming up from the gang banging on a kick off return. And of course, a nation of worshippers was about ready to burn Baltimore to the ground after Purple Jesus got up limping in the third quarter when he was tackled on a short pass. Honestly, I think my heart stopped and I filled with blind rage. Of course, this can all be attributed to the Ravens being a bunch of felons who are probably breaking probation by leaving the state of Maryland. Hopefully, these scoundrels won’t have injured the Vikings players significantly enough to keep them out of next week’s barn burner against the Steelers. That game is going to be Murder Fest 2009 part II. And then with one more game against the Packers in Lambeau before the bye week, the team is going to be in bloody rags and in need of some rest. Just like I enjoy my high school victims, but with more tears. Kidding! Maybe. 
Seriously though, fuck the Ravens: Enough about the settlement of Baltimore itself, what about the team? Well, if I wanted murders and coke dealers on my football squad I’d just cheer for the University of Miami. While having genuine bad asses on your team sounds like a burlap sack full of win, I also feel like it would be real fucking annoying. In fact, having Ray Lewis and Ed Reed on your team, while producing hard hits and making me shit my loins, would be the negative equivalent of having a thousand Tim Tebows on your team. The difference here of course would be that Lewis would be screaming for more blow and Tebow would be screaming for more circumcisions. Either way, I would end up wanting to cunt punch any of them when they yell at me. Hearing Ray Lewis mic’ed up Sunday was equivalent to getting ear raped. Every time I saw him yelling at Purple Jesus I wanted to see him break a leg on the next play. I wish the cameras at sporting events would show more after shots of these losing players instead of just the celebrating team. Oh, your team is so amazing Ray? Oh, did your jack off kicker just miss a kick and now you’ve lost again? Let me see your sad jail bird face your roided out fuckwad. Jesus. Also, this is acknowledgment that he would kill me with zero resistance if he read any of this, of that I have no doubt. I just want to see him sad and them smile and then hide behind my couch cushions. 
How about that Sidney Rice kid? Kid’s having a good year. I don’t remember where, but I’m pretty sure I’ve ripped on him somewhere here either for alleged underage girl lovin’, having an Al Harris looking hair cut, or just under performing, but hey, I’ll eat crow when needed. His 176 yards Sunday easily doubled his previous career high and he has clearly become a favorite, and healthy, target for Favre. I’m looking at your, Percy Harvin. Hitting his stride in the receiver-coveted third year, Rice is also averaging over 13 yards a catch, which says to me that the Vikings are hitting him down the field instead of n. That seems odd. But Rice has shown good hands, good si
ze, and honestly looks cooler than Bruce Wayne fighting ninjas in a tuxedo. Could he be the number one receiver? I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like he can really draw double coverage to himself or make a defense plan for him. But that’s what Purple Jesus does, so as long as Rice is left one on one, I’d say he’s looking to have a hell of a year. 
People, shut up about the defense already: People continually mistake the drama and awesomeness of college football, that being that you need to be the best every week for the entire season (typically), with how success can be had in the NFL. Hey, our defense got fingered quicker than the chick with big tits at a middle school dance, but that doesn’t mean the team is bad. Look at what happened to the Giants’ top ranked NFL defense up to this point yesterday. Drew Brees went berseker mode all over their face by dropping 48 points on them. Does this mean the Giants suck now? Of course not. Remember when that same team lost their first two games of the season before going on to beat the undefeated Patriots in an awesome Super Bowl? Yeah, things change. The NFL is a constantly evolving beast from week to week. Sure, most teams, like the Vikings, have questions at various spots throughout the season either due to lack of overall talent or injury concerns that pop up. Oh, Tyrell is a craptastic safety. Now Winfield is hurt and our cornerbacks are going to be taken advantage of. Our offensive line has trouble seeing complex blitzes. Well Jesus, the Vikings and everyone else, ok? I hate to say this because I sound like Jaworski waxing poetics in the booth, but it really only matters if you win. I wouldn’t care if the offense and defense completely shit the bed one day and the team had to run back three punts and kickoffs in order to win. As long as they pull it out, the win I mean, that’s ok by me. Of course, when they ultimately lose in the postseason in dramatic fashion, then I’ll stomp around and raise a fuss. 
Shanking around the NFC North: All NFC North teams were back in action this week and the results were more or less what you have come to expect. Early Sunday action of course saw the Vikings put on a circus, but it also featured everyone’s favorite “getcha roll on” quarterback Daunte Culpepper head back to Lambeau to lead the Lions to a 26-0 loss. I would have switched between this game and the Vikings one, but for some reason when the Vikes appear on CBS, FOX decides that they can’t show another game to compete with them. That seems like smart business because no one likes watching more football than they need too. Idiots. Also, in some crazy numbers oddity, Packers douche bag quarterback Aaron Rodgers managed to throw over 350 yards but only led two touchdown drives, both in the first quarter. That Lions defense must have really clamped down. Regardless, the Packers won. But for slightly more uplifting news, the Bears lost in dramatic fashion to the Falcons on Sunday night, also dropping them to a 3-2 record. This of course means that the Vikings have just been OWNING people and have almost wrapped up the NFC North in quick fashion. I mean, it’s pretty much already done. Just give them the trophy or those silly little division champ hats or whatever they do. 
A winning haiku for a Vikings win: Green Bay curses Favre, But Baltimore’s new swear word, Rhymes with Ba-Bu-schka Hope everyone enjoyed the heart attack! We’ll be back again for a brutal game preview of the Steelers game. Remember, if you have a question for PJD’s Mail Dump next game preview, e-mail it to us at [email protected]. See you Friday.
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