271 Yards, 3 Touchdowns, 135.3 Passer Rating: Son of a bitch. Here’s the dilemma that every Viking fan should understand. You hate the Packers with every ounce of your soul. When Hitler starts throwing a hissy fit about the Jews, you tell him to stop bringing that weak shit around because you’ve got bigger fish to fry since it is Packers Vikings week. And then the game kicks off and you are looking for blood. You want to take out your sniper rifle and put a bullet right through Donald Driver’s helmet ear hole (Note: not actually). You want to see Aaron Rodgers go all Joe Theisman under EJ Henderson (Note: actually, yes). You want to see a security guard in the injury cart roll out onto the field mid Vikings drive at high speed and trample Al Harris from behind. You learn to hate every single green and gold wearing buffoon out there. And for 16(?) years, for some of your entire lives, you hated the shit out of that Vicodin addicted gas bag Favre. But then he went out last night and joined the hate party, going n on the Packers defense and throwing three touchdowns while wracking up a pretty un-Tarvaris Jackson-like passer rating. And now? Fuck you old man, I don’t know what to think. I refuse, absolutely, immaturely, childishly REFUSE, to root for you like you’re my best friend or like you are someone I want to secretly cuddle with at night (Antoine Winfield). But god damnit … I respect having a quarterback on the Vikings’ roster that can actually throw the ball. Which of course leads us to … 
PJD’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval: … this week’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval recipient, which unquestionably goes to Favre. Let me repeat this. I’ve hated his be-Wranglered soul for many, many years. Yet, even so, I knew that when he signed he was without a doubt a huge upgrade at the quarterback position, considering what kind of shit flinging monkeys (no racist) we had otherwise. It still doesn’t mean I have to like him, and as stubborn and stupid as this is, I also am not so brain dead to realize that without Favre the Vikings would easily be 2-2 right now, having lost the 49ers game and this last one. With that being said, anyone who makes Mike McCarthy look like a blubbering fat kid watching the last creamsicle being sold right in front of him is OK in my book. And causing Al Harris to give up on a play well before a touchdown has been recorded counts as well. All in all, Favre stuck his old team on a pike and helped the state of Minnesota flap their wangs at Wisconsin for at least one night. And I am OK with that. So congratulations, Silver Fox, you’ve got a brown stamp on your forehead for a week. n can make babies with my girlfriend if he wants to: Not that he would need, or be asking, for my approval, but holy shit this guy is awesome. Seven tackles, four and a half sacks, and his signature RELENTLESS PURSUIT!! all night long. Seriously, when Gruden – or Jaworski, I don’t remember who was saying it – kept on name dropping Relentless Pursuit, I was wondering just how many times they had watched thespearing shit as a hunter in the booth. That’s pretty much the same thing he was doing out there; making Daryn Colledge and that other rookie fresh meat look like choad tickelers and making Aaron Rodgers look like he wanted to go have a surf day out in California for the rest of his life. Jn was playing a man’s game last night, and he was respecting the first rule; don’t be a bitch. Unfortunately for every Packer person in the world, he made your entire team look like a bitch. How lovely. For me. 
I will be the first to crucify you again, Purple Jesus: What the fuck is this? 55 yards on 25 carries? Who are you? I don’t care that you got one touchdown on, what, a one yard run? Albert Young could do that shit through the gaping vaginal hole that the Packers defense allowed on the play. Let’s get you in the right frame of mind here, Son of God. You can turn wine into water, hookers into ladies, condoms into immaculate conceptions, and Tarvaris Jackson into a starting quarterback for two years. You even made Gus Frerotte, at age 73, look like a young Ryan Leaf. Unreal! But these past two games you have been dragging your feet and I am about ready to call bullshit on you. We all know that Old Willow Beard isn’t going to last the entire season, and that if we rely on his arm too much we’re going to have an epic crash and burn. I’m sorry that you have to face 13 man fronts to run against, but when you’re Purple Jesus I thought it’d be pretty easy to simply part the sea of people and waltz into any endzone or gain any yardage. Is this not the case? I’m sorry, did the Bible lie to me? Do you just not care? I think you should stop fumbling the ball, quit running for two yards every attempt, and drop some knowledge on these NFL teams out here about who’s team this really is, because, honestly, I don’t know how much more Favre cock sucking I can take. It’s nauseating, and it disrupts my inner ear balance. And if you keep this up, you’ll never get to your 2,000 yard goal, you underachiever. I fully expect 485 yards and eight touchdowns against the Rams this week. 
NFC North Round up: In an in-division week for the NFC North, we already covered how fucking terrible Green Bay is and how several people on the now 4-0 Vikings contributed to their ass bleeding. So we’ll just look at the other game that occurred between the Bears and the Lions. Jay Cutler stopped pouting long enough to pass for two touchdowns and run another one in, John Elway and Sage Rosencopter style, on the way to a 48 to 24 step father beating of the Lions. The final score was a bit misleading though, at the Lions continued to putt-putt there was along amicably through the first half, going into halftime with a 21-21 tie, before getting beaten with aluminum bats in the back alley by the Bears in the second half. Also, I think Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson both suffered leg injuries, so … they have no one left on that team now. Ouch. And now that this Packer punching is out of the way we can all build our excitement back up for the first Bears meeting when we make Cutler throw his receivers under the bus again and potentially cause him to cut himself in a closet. With mascara on. God, that would make my fucking week. 
Go fuck yourself, Green Bay: Eh, that’s a little bitter. In all honesty though, I would be fascinated in finding out what a genuine Packer fan’s perspective was on the game last night. I don’t want any of that stupid Gerbstreit or whoever that ass hat is on KFAN perspective, I mean like a real fan that lives and dies with that team as much as I live and die with Glee on Wednesday nights. What? No, I mean I really wonder what it was like from a Packer fan’s perspective to think you maybe had a shot to win this game and then see the offensive line implode as they did. And I’m really curious to know just how badly they wanted it, and for what reasons. Sure, it was a division game – against the stupid Vikings no less – and you always want to win those, but of course this game was against Favre. How badly did Packer fans want to stick it to him on a personal level? How upset are they that he didn’t even get pressured much, let alone sacked? Does his great game make them hate Brett more or hate Ted Thompson more? Their emotional rollercoaster yesterday must have been off the charts and I would love to find out what that actually consisted of. If any Packer fans read this, please leave something in the comments and I promise I’ll only throw as many jokes at you as you throw at me. In good spirit. Even though we hate each other. 
As an aside …: Hey, Vikings? Wear those fucking uniforms ALL OF THE TIME. It’s not that hard. They look light years better than the trampy circus outfits you currently have. And every other team in our division has made a clear move to remain awesome in the uniform department except us. That reflects poorly upon our organization. These uniforms are so bad ass that they almost temp me to buy a jersey, if they didn’t cost a severed testicle. Make the change, permanently. Fuck. Packer impromptu left tackle Daryn Colledge reflects on the game: “Wha .. what the fuck happened? Sweet Jesus … I … I don’t think I remember anything. AH! What stings? Why is there blood in my eyes? I … I think I remember seeing bull rush me off the edge and … Well … and I screamed like a girl during that first rush. I mean, he just came so fast! And then … and then after he came he actually rushed … Oh God! It was a nightmare. I’ve never seen anything like it! He kept on telling me horrible, terrible things … things that I couldn’t even dream of doing to my wife! Things that I thought only Michael Jackson did … But he once slipped a finger during a rush just to show me that he was serious. My god … and his smile. It’s like he enjoyed it all! And he had this overpowering musk of beef jerky that made me retch several times on the sidelines. I think finally I just passed out … just as an effort to get off the field. I was just getting so light headed and sick to my stomach, I thought I had swine flu but no … I just blacked out because A made me start squealing like a pig, just like he wanted … Jesus … don’t send me back in coach! I can’t take anymore! I can’t even watch film of this!” 
A winning haiku for a winning team: Packer fans wept tears, Ted Thompson stood shocked as Favre Asked “How’s my ass taste?” Enjoy the win, Viking fans, but we’re just getting started. Let’s put a stabbing on the Rams this weekend and keep rolling into the meaty, delicious part of our schedule. We’ll be back Friday with another game preview. Leave your thoughts in the comments!
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