LOSER DOMI: Hello Ryan, thank you for coming in.
RYAN MILLER: Whatever.
LD: This season has been quite the roller coaster ride for Sabres, hasn’t it?
MILLER: Yeah, I guess you could say that. For the longest time, it didn’t look like we’d make the playoffs at all, then we kinda snuck in.
LD: And it seemed as though there were some concerns with injury to the Buffalo squad.
MILLER: Yeah, like you know how earlier in the season, I had a “loser body injury”?
LD: Yeah.
MILLER: I had a sore back.
LD: Which happens to a lot of goalies—
MILLER: I had a sore back from carrying this GODFORSAKEN team for, like, the past 5 years.
LD: Oh…
MILLER: I don’t know what happened in Buffalo. Maybe the city’s built on cursed Indian burial grounds or something. All I know is it SUCKS trying to carry the whole franchise. No man can do that.
LD: And the Buffalo/Philadelphia series was quite the grueling series.
MILLER: It was so grueling I got back on the sauce.
LD: Really? You don’t strike me as a heavy drinker.
MILLER: Oh, I enjoy beer every now and then. But I ended up going back to AMP. AMP is such a harsh mistress.
LD: Oh jeez…
MILLER: I haven’t slept since the end of game 2. I’ve just been chugging AMP since then.
LD: That…does not sound healthy in the slightest.
MILLER: Well, no shit. I had to stop a while ago because it was eating a hole in my stomach. But I’m back on it, and I started looking like the “My Name is Earl” guy and WHAT? Nothing. I’ve been busting my ass out there and what do we get? NOTHING. Just losing to the stupid effin Flyers after the rest of the team is all “OMIGOD they scored! We can’t score after they score! Herp de derp!”
LD: It’s understandable that this was an upsetting loss, but you’re usually so calm and measured in interviews…
MILLER: Yeah, I’m always the “nice guy.” Well, screw that! Besides, only like 12 people read this blog anyway, so I can say whatever I want! I’m gonna be all controversial and stuff! I’m gonna go Ray Emery on your asses!
LD: DO you mean “Current Masterton trophy candidate Ray Emery” or “biting heads off cockroaches on a dare Ray Emery”?
MILLER: Whatever. I swear to God, if I see any of the Flyers, or if anyone looks at me the wrong way, I’m starting a fight.
(DANIEL BRIERE enters.)
DANIEL BRIERE: Excuse me, I think I have an interview somewhere here, and I don’t know if I’m in the right place.
LD: This is Barry Melrose Rocks. I think you’re looking for the place just down the hall and to the right.
BRIERE: Ok, thank you.
MILLER: FUCK. DANIEL. BRIERE. (Punches BRIERE in the face, knocks him out)
MILLER: SEE?? I JUST PUNCHED DANIEL BRIERE!
LD: Are you sure you don’t want to cool off and calm down?
MILLER: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! (MILLER leaves and kicks down several nameless staff members)
LD: I don’t know if that’s controversial, but it sure as hell is funny.
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