LOSER DOMI: Mr. Alfredsson, thank you for coming in for this interview.
DANIEL ALFREDSSON: It is no problem.
LD: I’d just like to ask you a few questions about—
ALFREDSSON: Is this about the “guarantee” I made in 2004 about Ottawa winning the Cup?
LD: No, we don’t have to talk about it…
ALFREDSSON: GOOD! That’s still kind of touchy.
LD: Well, yeah, I’d be reluctant to talk about a time I was made to look like a huge moron in front of media as well.
ALFREDSSON: I mean, who would have thought the DUCKS, of all teams, would win that shit? The DUCKS. Teemu Selanne and Neidermayer were like a billion years old at the time.
LD: I thought you said you didn’t want to talk about that.
ALFREDSSON: I don’t! Stop pressing me on it!
LD: I’m not, but uh…moving on…
ALFREDSSON: I suppose you’ll be asking me about the current standings?
LD: Well, we can.
ALFREDSSON: I know, I know—I’m the longest-serving captain currently in the NHL and we were in the Stanley Cup Final not too long ago. Now we’re in last place in the whole league.
LD: And?
ALFREDSSON: And that sucks.
LD: Well, it’s certainly not an enviable position to be in.
ALFREDSSON: No shit, Sherlock.
LD: You seem really tense and defensive. In a lot of your other interviews, you seem really laid-back, calm, and resigned.
ALFREDSSON: I’ve been under a lot of stress lately! You can see I’ve been losing my hair and losing games. There’s nothing left up there.
LD: Look, all I wanted to do was ask you about why the heck you’re judging an oatmeal contest and maybe make fun of your mustache.
ALFREDSSON: …Seriously?
LD: Yes!
ALFREDSSON: Even though you’re a Leafs fan?
LD: Yes! What kind of city has an oatmeal contest? And why are you judging it?
ALFREDSSON: Why? Is liking oatmeal weird or something?
LD: It’s just not the first foodstuff that comes to mind when I’m asked to list foods used in tasting contests.
ALFREDSSON: Why do you hate oatmeal so much?
LD: I don’t hate oatmeal—I just don’t think there’s that much to it. You have oats, and you add water and cook and you have oatmeal.
ALFREDSSON: Sometimes less elaborate is better.
LD: But how do you judge oatmeal when it’s all the same?
ALFREDSSON: You clearly haven’t experienced all the wonderful varieties of oatmeal that there are.
LD: No, there aren’t varieties of oatmeal. There are varieties of things you can put into oatmeal. I mean, you can put in maple syrup, fruit, cinnamon and sugar or…just about anything. I suppose you could put, I dunno, pizza stuff into oatmeal.
ALFREDSSON: Pizza stuff?
LD: Yeah, like tomato sauce and tiny pepperonis and spices and stuff. Maybe? I’ve never done it.
ALFREDSSON: That sounds amazing and disgusting all at the same time.
LD: You seem to be a man who really likes his oatmeal.
ALFREDSSON: It’s a really nutritious breakfast. And Cream of Wheat makes me really depressed for some reason.
LD: The little chef guy on the front of the package always did seem a bit suspicious to me.
ALFREDSSON: Smug little jerk.
LD: Yes he is.
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